“Overflowing”

11:27. 

That’s the time my phone alarm sounds every morning as a passive reminder for me to take my antidepressants. Except now when my alarm sounds, I dismiss the indication in which it symbolizes.   

Yes I know. I know. I know. Here comes all of the “Brittany you know betters.” And the “You of all people know what happens when you don’t take your meds.” But let me just say this: I made a conscious decision to take myself off of my medications, and I’ll tell you why:

Three sessions ago I apprehensively sat in my therapist’s office and disclosed that I had been non-compliant with my psychiatric medications. Prior to me telling my therapist, I was already noncompliant for roughly 16 days. And besides my mother (whom I informed that morning), my therapist was the only other individual I had told. And for numerous reasons of course. While in session, my therapist looked at me with a slightly disappointed but astutive face and said: “Alright. Why is that?” So without hesitation I looked back at my therapist and confidently told them: “Because I want to feel again.” 

For two years and two months I had been prescribed antidepressants to aid with my mental diagnoses, and day-to-day living. Initially when psychiatric medication was introduced by my general physician I was grief-stricken. Not only did I not want to become dependent on meds, but I absolutely did not want to stay on them for extensive periods of time. However, I had to do what was best for me in that season of my life. And in that season, being on antidepressants was the best thing for my overall well being. Being transitioned into taking antidepressants was crucial to me surviving. I had freshly experienced the most traumatic event of my life, and I was incredibly depressed. I remember wanting to die numerous times a day. And that is a feeling I will never forget. Antidepressants were an appropriately lucid solution in response to my trauma. Not only was it lucid, but it too was supportively beneficial. I’m not saying that antidepressants completely “cured” my depression (because there is no cure), but they absolutely kept me going on a daily basis. For those who are unfamiliar with antidepressants,these are mood stabilizing medications. Some common examples are Lexapro, Zoloft, Celexa, Paxil, Prozac etc. Antidepressants work by balancing out our brain’s neurotransmitters. Neurotransmitters are small chemicals in our brain responsible for our emotions. So if there is an “overflow” of an emotion (such as sadness), this is secondary to the increased amounts of neurotransmitters in the brain. Antidepressants work to bring those chemicals (neurotransmitters) back to equilibrium. So no more overflow of “sadness!” Think of it like this: If you’re filling a bathtub with water and step away for an extensive time, consequently the water will overflow onto the tiles and bathroom mats. Right? Your brain is that tub. That extra water is the overflow of “sadness” or emotion going into the brain. Turning off the water is the initial contact made by the antidepressants. And draining the excess water is the antidepressants working to bring the brain back to equilibrium.

My tub is constantly overflowing…

Being on medications sort of put a void on my accessibility to my emotions. Not just sadness. A friend of mine (who also takes antidepressants) said: “It’s like I can sense the depression, but I can’t fully reach it.” I felt that completely. It’s like I know it’s there, but I can’t experience it. And that’s a good thing! However unfortunately that is the case for the remainder of my emotions. I felt I could only “sense” my other emotions such as happiness, fear, love, anger, etc without fully reaching them. And that made me feel less of a person. Of course I do not want to be sad all of the time, but I also do not want to be in limbo with all of my other feelings and emotions either. It was either be depressed and feel everything, or be ok and feel nothing. So I made a choice to feel everything. Before making the decision to come off of my medication, I evaluated the consequences it came with. I knew feeling everything would leave me indescribably paralyzed with sadness some days. I knew some days I would be extremely sensitive to any amount of emotional tampering. I knew that there would be an influx of various emotions at any given time or place. And I also knew that it was going to suck… But I had to feel. I had to feel all of my emotions in their raw forms without any restrictions. Regardless if that leaves me with an overflowing tub, and wet bathroom mats.

I am in no way, shape, or form encouraging any of you to stop taking your meds. You’re prescribed them for a great reason. Myself included. I just felt like it was time I took a break from mine. And yes there are consequences for me doing so. And maybe I will be back on them in the future. I am someone who is susceptible to depression and this is a forever thing. But I also want to give myself a chance at trying to live without depending on my medications. Even if I do need them. And I believe I do… But I also believe I can go without them for a little while as well. 

Xoxo,

MindMyMelanin